Monday, March 20, 2006

Too many hats...

Does anyone else ever feel like they are playing too many roles in their life? Or like some of the roles, which by this point in life should be minor ones, are still major ones, and it's just totally stressing you out? Okay, here's what I mean:

I am God's daughter
I am Me
I am The Hubster's wife
I am The Girl & The Boy's mom
I am Dad & Mom's daughter
I am J, H, D, & K's sister
I am also a lot of other minor roles (MOPS leader, friend to some, G & P's granddaughter-in-law, etc.)

Now, those first six that I listed are all the major ones in my life right now. And sometimes, I feel all of them coming to bear at once: I've got The Hubster pulling on one arm, the kids on the other, Mom and Dad on one leg, and a sister on the other. And the whole time, in my head, I've got Me trying to figure out who the heck I actually am, and somewhere in the background, God's going "Um, hey...when are you gonna' listen to what I have to say?" And sometimes, it just really STRESSES me out. I've got a bunch of people asking, demanding, that I be someone I'm not, and that I'll probably never be. Which makes me feel like crap that I can't be what they think I should be, no matter how hard or long I try, and no matter how bad I want to. I've got Me in there stressing out, because I'm all confused about who I know I am, and who I want to be, and where I want to be. And I've got God trying to tell and show me who he wants me to be, but all the other voices are so LOUD that I can't hear what he's saying.

I know if we weren't living with Mom and Dad, the roles of daughter and sister wouldn't be so major and heavy. But being here, I feel like I'm forced to perform these roles. Like, I can't just not answer the phone, or ignore someone when they come over. It feels like, it's not my house, so it's not my life. You know? If we weren't living here, I would be able to pull back from these roles when I needed a break, and just wanted to focus on Me and God, or The Hubster and the kids.

Sometimes I feel like I just want to run away from everything. From all the roles, except me. And God. I just want to be rid of all those responsibilities and requirements. I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point. But it feels like I feel like this every two hours or so.

I'm working on focusing on the most important role that I have. Being a daughter of God. I'm working on remembering that the only thing that truly matters in this world is what happens between me and God. That when things are right with us, things will be right with everything else. They might suck and be hard, but I will be able to handle it. I've drawn myself a diagram to help me remember. I'll see if I can get it in here.

So, this is my illustration of how I need to live. Where my priorities need to be. There is this song we sing at church. It's called "Be The Center." I don't even remember all the words, but the one that I do remember is "Jesus, be the center." I have to remember to put God first. To worry about the relationship between me and God before I worry about anything else. And I have a really hard time doing that. I tend to put everything else first. The most important relationship, the one that needs to come first, is the one with God. Next comes my relationship with myself. I need to fix me before I can really start to deal with anyone else. Next comes The Hubster and The Kids. They are first on my list of external priorities. Then comes the rest of the world.

So, yeah. That's my thoughts for the day. If I offended anyone, especially sisters, I didn't mean to. These are just the ramblings of my strange little mind.

So, I have the same question as Tennis Ball. Does anyone actually read this? I know I don't post very often, but does anyone check on me periodically, like the crazy old grandma in the nursing home that everyone visits once a month? If so, thanks. I check yours everyday.


MrsWndr said...

I check everyday as well. I feel like no one ever comments (usually only the Heathers), so what's the point? Are my posts really that boring and meaningless? And I understand where you're coming from. I need to do the same thing, I don't really have the Mom & Dad one, though sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to choose one sister over another, which I don't really like.
I know you won't like it but the best solution is to get out of Mom and Dad's house. Since you know he's losing his job in June, why wait till then to get a job? Nothing says that you have to wait till he loses his job to he gets a new one. And if we're being honest, you're not the only ones having a hard time with the arrangement right now. I don't think anyone likes, truth be told. I hate that I probably won't be coming to visit this summer because I'll have no where to stay. That's where I'm supposed to be able to come to, Mom & Dad's and I can't because it's too crowded and too tense. That makes me feel cut off and neglected. I know it's not an on purpose thing, but I can't help the way I feel.
My advice would be to focus you're energy on getting out of there and on God. Don't worry about anything but that and you're family. As you said, this wasn't meant to offend. Just getting it off my chest. I love you.

dani said...

i dont read yours either (i told the same thing to kim)..but i really od read all of your guys...that is the only contection to you guys since nobody calls me :o( sniff sniff