Thursday, August 17, 2006

Guilt and shame...EDITED

I keep telling myself I need to get on here and write something. I feel so bad every day that goes by. I sit down at my computer, and I start clicking with my mouse. But do I click on the link that takes me to "create new post"? No. I click on "Kim's Blog," "Erin's Journal," "Found in France," "Mamarazzi," "Mom-101," "Daring Young Mom," and on and on and on and on and on. That's a lot of reading, people. And by the time I finish doing that, reading fanmail email, checking the bank account, the Blockbuster account, MySpace, and all that other lame-o stuff I do, well, I'm just tired. Or The Kids have tuned in to my distraction and are trying to get my attention by acting like monkeys in a banana factory. Or The Hubster is bored and is standing over my shoulder, watching my every click and reading every line of my IM convos with The Sisters. It's all very distracting.

But, there is another reason I don't write. Well, a couple of reasons.

The first one? I don't feel like I'm a good enough writer. I know my sisters are really the only ones that read this, and they think I'm friggin' hilarious. But when I read all those blogs I read, and I see what good writers some of these women are, I don't feel like I measure up.

The second reason? I want this to be a fun blog. A humorous blog. And right now, there isn't much humor in my life. Or if there is, I'm not seeing it, and I'm REALLY not feeling it. Most of my readers (that would be you, Singer girls) know my circumstances. For those that may or may not be lurking, The Hubster and I are in a bit of a limbo right now, what with jobs and states of residence in question. This has been going on for two and a half months. And let me tell you, two and a half months in Limbo can really shrivel up your funny bone. I was so happy five months ago. My old, high school-type sense of humor was finally coming back. My goofy, sarcastic, strange mind was being reborn. I was finally feeling good about myself and my situation, and it was showing in the way I was relating to people (in the real world and in the blogosphere). But I've lost that in the last few months. So not only is my situation stressing me out, but the loss of my ability to see the hilarity in situations is making me sad.

Anywho... So, there it is. My list of excuses. TB, I'm sorry I can't do more for you. I promise that once The Hubster makes his decisions and I know where our lives are headed, I'll be back. Even if we end up down in NoCal, I'll be on my dial-up internet, pounding away on the keyboard until late in the night. Just to make up for all the wasted time.

Then again, maybe I'll just super-caffeinate myself everyday with Cherry Coke and a couple of Midol. It seemed to work yesterday.....

Edited to add: I'm not saying I don't want to talk about my life on my blog. It is, after all, MY blog. I'm just saying I don't want to depress everyone with my angst-ridden musings about how horrible my world is. Because my world isn't really horrible. It's just...well...out of whack right now. Thanks, sisters, for your encouraging words. I will keep writing, and trying to find the humor in my life.


dani said...

don't let your circumstances get you down. part of who you are is being strong during hard times. even through you are having a hard time keep your head up and hang in there. your feeling down is just the devil trying to get you to feel sorry for yourself. and of course you deserve to feel sorry but God is there to lean on and he has a plan for you and your hubby.

as for the funny blog..if thats what you want this to be maybe you should get another one to do just everyday stuff and to get things off your mind...its like talking to a least your getting the stuff that bothers you out.

dani said...


MrsWndr said...

Man dani, i don't think anything I write can compare to your comments. When did you become so...I dont even know what to call it. Great advice and I agree with all of it.
Beth, I don't see how you don't see that you measure up to these other bloggers. Your posts are GREAT, FANTABULOUS, THE SHIZ! You do have a way with words, I wish you could see how great they are. I know you keep saying you wish you knew what God was teaching you besides patience, maybe keeping your sense of humor in hard times. Everything has some positive side to id...even if it's hard to see sometimes. You don't have to write about your life either. Read the paper, other blogs mamarazzi is a good one, so is Find funny stuff in their posts and use it in your own, with your own spin. Take it off a funny joke you get in an email. My point is that just cuz theirs nothing funny going on in your life, doesn't mean you can't find stuff around you.
I love you Boo and I love your blog! I really liked the word of the day thing you had going. Maybe do it as a weekly thing.
I know I'm not as insightful as Dani was, but there's my 2 cents.