I had a revelation today. I was driving home from the gas station, and "La la" by Ashlee Simpson was blasting on my stereo (no kids=high volume). And I realized something. I realized one of the reasons I have such an urge to move back to Washington all the time.
I don't feel like ME here. At least not the me I had been while living in Bremerton. So many things changed when we moved down here, in lifestyle and personality. Lower pay, no more "gourmet" cooking/experimenting, no yoga 2 times a week, no more downloading cool music on the iPod, no easy access to stores and shopping, no hanging out with my sisters, no 12-hour scrapbooking, no buying the latest fashions (no buying?, heck, no SEEING). When we lived in Washington, I felt COOL. I might not have been cool, but I at least felt like I was. I felt like I was at least connected to the outside world. Like I could go places, and see people, and do things. Even if it was just going to Fred Meyer to look around the health food section. I could go to the mall and buy a cool new t-shirt. My funky screen-print tees were cool there, not weird like they would be here. I even feel different at church. My church in Washington was much more upbeat, more contemporary. They sang songs that I heard frequently on the radio. It just felt young, and alive. My church here definitely caters more to the older set. It's mostly old hymns, and when they do sing the occasional more contemporary song, it's done in an old-fashioned way. Life is much more isolated here. We've got some awesome friends. More friends than we ever had in Washington. We do more, socially. All of our friends are Christians, which is totally cool. Jason can hunt and fish and ride 4-wheelers whenever he wants to. He is starting to make some friends who are in a line of work that he is interested in. The kids are involved in more down here (AWANAs, tee-ball, swimming). They have a lot more friends down here than they did in Washington.
So, here is the question. What is more important? My "coolness," or the happiness of my kids and husband? The answer to that question is obvious. But it doesn't make it any easier to accept. I miss who I was in Washington. I was finally starting to come into my own. To feel like my own person. I was finding my personality again. The one I lost somewhere between high school and motherhood. My funky, happy, weird, hip-ish personality was finally finding it's way back.
Okay. Enough rambling for now. Sorry to dump my problems. But hey, it's my blog after all.